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Friday, January 19th, 2007

Time:7:55 am.
Mood: cold.
it is officially winter.
it's cold. it's ick. it's snowing. :) and it's sticking.

work is good. keeps me busy but makes my hands hurt... sometimes i ask myself why i volunteer for large projects but then again i like feeling useful... and it gives james a few hours to entertain himself anyway.

so today seems to be the first "official" day of winter. i wanted it to snow once. so ok. now that it has snowed, the snow can melt and go away and it can be warm again. i'm satisfied.

well i should get back to work.

more soon.
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Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007

Time:12:57 am.
so my new job is shaping up quite nicely...

i am doing transcribing. it's killer on my hands cuz it involves a lot of typing but the pay is good and i like feeling useful. 

yesterday james took me out and we had a great time. i do love when we go out and about, just the two of us... 

new years was nice- had a good time even though i dozed off after the ball drop. we went upstairs and i brought a salad that i put together (and of course i MUST give credit where credit is due- james helped me immensely with some of the chopping, slicing and dicing) yes, i miss the tradition of seeing nanna and everything but you know... no one from my blood relation "family" even called me for christmas or emailed or anything and they surely didn't do it yesterday and yeah, that was sad and depressing... but i have james and it was our first new years together and i have his family now... 

and if you aren't going to call your blood relation (not just a random blood relation like a second cousin you never speak to, mind you- your pregnant niece/granddaughter, whatever) on christmas or new years (or any day just to say hi) they aren't much of a family anymore.  and they really aren't with the way they've all been treating me- castrating me from the family because i'm coming forward about all the psychological and verbal and physical abuse that went on by my father for years? saying i'm not allowed to come and visit and be part of the family till everything is done? how is that family? how is that showing love and support when I need it the most? they would rather i just keep my mouth shut and pretend nothing happened- pretend we're the Brady Bunch family that my father was so good at portraying to the outside world; pretend that what went on behind closed doors- all the abusing he did and the molesting and mental anguish and torment for all those years- just pretend it never happened and let God deal with it? how can i live like that anymore? calling me crazy and delusional and not even stopping to consider that I am telling the truth? how is that being a family? i always thought you were there for family- you do things for family you don't do for just everyone else. blood runs thicker than water, right? well in this "family," blood is thinner than water and the freaking water just evaporated.

today james and i went out for a little bit and went to soho's for lunch. i got a calzone that tried to eat me... and james drew all over the white paper on the table.. it was so much fun. 

well this is it for the time being.
tomorrow is food shopping as my new year's resolution is to see that we eat at home more.

all my love
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Sunday, December 31st, 2006

Time:12:52 am.
Mood: totally psyched.



oh yeah. i'm a workin' girl! i love feeling useful again.

to bed with me so i can get up for church and then i have to work all afternoon tomorrow. *pout* but then it's up to visiting for the ball drop.

:) i love our little family.

xo xo

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Monday, December 25th, 2006

Subject:merry christmas
Time:11:20 am.
Mood: festive.
got all our christmas shopping done! yay hooray! (especially considering it's christmas today!!) :)

had a couple interesting days. wrapped up all the christmas presents for our family on saturday. had a great time doing it. and i think james got a kick out of watching me too. lol. sunday we got up super early and walked downstairs to the storage  and got out what christmas decorations james had (which was quite a lot to my surprise) but we discovered he had gotten rid of his christmas tree. SO. we took everything upstairs and headed out for church.

after church, we came home and started the happy tree hunt. it was actually rather fruitless at first and i was sort of feeling a bit depressed. but then we were walking and saw this little odds-and-ends shop that amazingly still had  christmas trees for sale. and they had a green one! lol. so we got that and some snowman ornaments which were really cheap and we also got blue lights for the tree. (i was hoping for multicolored but these were only 4.00 and the other 3 options were 1: see if the lights at home worked and could be untangled, 2: green lights or 3: red lights so we went with blue ones.) we took everything home and i changed out of my new boots and church clothes and we went out to the diner for a late lunch. 

he and i went to midnight mass. 

it actually feels like christmas even though there's no snow. :)

well, ya'll, more later.
all my love
xo xo

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Friday, December 22nd, 2006

Subject:life is peachy, babe!
Time:7:00 pm.
Mood: lovin life.
so life is spectacular right now. :)

i have my beloved, our furry baby, my ever-expanding midsection and what is my new-found family for the holidays. plus i have my beloved faith and annie and steph too. what more could a girl possibly want?? :)

went to payless. james got me some much needed shoes and clothes...

 he also got me this little brown bear wearing a beige sweater and i named him joey bear. i now have joey bear, louie bear (who is dark purple with a lavender pouch inside him) bear-bear and bunny (who was the first stuffed animal james ever gave me.) i also have a couple small animals for the baby but they are safe in the closet for the time being.

on the way to church james bought me a new purse from one of the street vendors and a second furry hat. :)


and the day before yesterday, james took me after group to get my nails done and a pedicure.  and that was after we saw the opening show of  rocky balboa.

did i say I AM SO F*ING SPOILED!?!?! :)

today we went out with james' dad...  we went for lunch and saw a movie-- the opening show of we are marshall.

i would sit and write more but i have presents to wrap and dinner to get for us before it gets too late. so to the living room i must to cease the snoring and find out what is on the order ;)

more soon i promise.
all my love,

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Sunday, December 3rd, 2006

Subject:he's my hero.
Time:9:16 pm.
Mood: so incredibly happy....
i never thought i could learn to love again. i really didn't.
i saw myself as damaged goods- a rag, more or less- and that i was unlovable.
all my life there have been put downs and sarcasm and evil words... being ignored for the choice of homework... being told "i'm too busy right now, some other time"... that you're "twenty-three going on fourteen" and incapable of doing things for yourself because you're too stupid...
you start to really believe that you are worthless. stupid. shitty.
growing up... learning that you are just some piece of meat... you don't have any individual worth unto yourself and all you are put on the earth is to please men and their 'needs'... 

my father..


one disaster part of my life after another. using one bad relationship to escape a more horrid one.... some life...

but then there came james.

sweet, placid, quiet, supportive james.

"My fine and pure girl" ... Every phone call made was started with "Hey beautiful princess..." ... Always tells me "You're the brains of the outfit"

After a lifetime of put-downs, such pearls are so hard to accept. you sort of get used to burlap sacks so you're not really sure what to do when handed a robe made of silk. Gradually, complimemt after compliment started to sink in, down into the chapped little heart underneath all that dirt and grime.... like sweet precious drops of rain to a desert that hadn't seen rain in an eon.

and slowly i learned to trust. to know that he was real. respectful. he had no hidden intentions. no alterior motives. there was no second guessing him cuz he wore the truth on his shirt.

and i even fell in love.

and this day i can sit here and say i love my beloved james more than anyone else. he has been my rock and my support in so many ways through some very rough times. given me tough love when i needed it and gentle love when i wanted it.  he has been my best friend through such trials and continues with me as we now embark on a new part of life. facing the past to preserve the future. it will be rough and hard on everyone involved but most especially him. he never asked for any of this to get dumped on him.  he never asked to be hated by my parents. he never asked to be ostrisized by my family and ridiculed and threatened.... he's a good man with an astounding record. a true hero. he deserves so much better than this...

he's my hero.
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Time:8:38 pm.
Mood: content.
just a quick note to say hi *waves emphatically* :) hope all is well with everyone and ya'll survived turkey day without gaining too much weight. ;) i, on the other hand, have happily gained ONLY 9 pounds and it ain't from no turkey, neither. :)

my favorite thing to do on a sunday night:
cuddle up with my other half- his arm around me and my head on his chest- watching Dexter on ShowTime. I <3 cable! :) ah... but i <3 my james even more! :)

let's see. what else is new and exciting, you ask? um.. we're on the great baby name hunt so any suggestions are welcome... the morning sickness has waned a little bit *thanks God* ...

christmas shopping starts tomorrow... gonna put a string of lights out on the terrace. this might seem odd as we are up on the 11th floor but people can still see it from out below. and the tree should be going up soon too. :) *grins* but i wish i had my own ornaments. *cries* i HATE this shit of not being able to get to my things. *head meets keyboard* my "family" is so freakin... *GAH!*

tuesday i am supposed to be getting together with denise so that i can get a good idea of all the baby crap i'm going to need... it'll be the two of us plus baby Ryan so that should be fun... an adventure at the least.

still seriously debating the idea of a baby shower. it'll be all fine and great in some ways- a FEW friends, the family I have through james... but it'll be embarrassing trying to explain away why MY blood relations aren't there. joy. NOT. 

well it's almost time for dexter. ttfn!

more soon.
xo xo
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Sunday, November 26th, 2006

Time:2:01 am.
Mood: so totally loved <3.
something james said to me the other night:

"You are more beautiful today than you were yesterday but not as beautiful as you will be tomorrow."

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Time:1:53 am.
Mood: thankful.
haven't posted too much lately and i do apologize... there has been so much going on.

i hope everyone's thanksgiving was healthy and happy....

mine was good. went to dinner with james' family and had a nice time...

you know, if it wasn't for my beloved and his family, i would never be able to survive all the shit that's been going on... he's been a real pillar for me. he's so good to me. i would be dead now if it weren't for him. (his family too but mainly him.)

when we got threatening phone calls from my parents, he still stayed by me. when my parents filed a false report against him claiming he threatened my father's life (when in actuality my father was the one who threatened james' life) he still stayed with me. when my family ostrecized (sp?) me and said they didn't want to know me because of the aligations i am making against my father, he still held my hand and stayed with me.   he helped me in trying to find out who to talk to and took me where ever i needed to go. 

and that's how he's been to me... on top of all the other glorious treatment i've gotten--

his patience with me learning to cook and VERY gradually trying to learn how to keep house.. although i have been severely slacking off on that which is bad... always taking care of me when i'm sick... making sure i don't sleep on my stomach or my back and forever reminding me that i have to keep a pillow between my knees when i sleep on my side.... when i fall asleep on the couch or in the easy chair, he wakes me to come sleep in the queen-size *most comfortable* bed that i was the first person to ever sleep in.... taking me to charlie brown's for no particular reason at all... dropping hundreds of dollars on me in a shot without batting an eye...

check it-- when was the last time your man spent $300 at Victoria's Secret and it was no where near Christmas? Or on a random Sunday after church (which is in Manhattan and you took the train instead of driving) when you went into an art store initially just to look around, he drops nearly $300 on an easel you've wanted all your life (and not just any easel- the best one they had) AND a new paint set and brush set? Or completely replaced your wardrobe, reclothing you from head to toe, literally spending thousands?

he sees to it that i have a gym membership and we go workout together- he does his workout and i do laps in the pool and pamper myself in the whirlpool and sauna and steam rooms... every 2 or 3 weeks he takes me up the hill to get my nails done and on opposite weeks we go and he lets me get a peticure.... he takes me to this really ritzy hair salon called Rumors to get my hair done...

he calls me beautiful princess... shamu (gotta love pet names! :).... fine and pure....sweetie...

what would i do without him? i am so happy now.. so happy here... before i was miserable. i cut all the time. i wanted to die. yes i have days where i feel like i could jump off the terrace but that's courtesy of the shit my father did and i am working through that with love and support from james.  i haven't cut since i've been down here. it's been months since i last had nightmares. 

life couldn't be more perfect. (as far as our relationship goes, of course)
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Monday, October 30th, 2006

Time:7:43 am.
Mood: *crosses fingers*.
we had a spiffy day yesterday.

we took the train to manhattan for church  the pastor is in the middle of this series on the book of revelations which is absolutely fascinating. the discussion was on the church at philadelphia (chapter 3). very interesting.

we were initially thinking about heading over to central park for the afternoon but first, it was really windy and second there was a footrace being run and some if not a good deal of the park would probably have been closed off so we might do it sometime during the week or next weekend. 

there's this HUGE art store on the way from the train to the church and we had gotten some canvases there during the week and we didn't have a lot of time to really look around too much so james let me duck in there and take a bit of a gander. there were 4 floors and james was waiting outside so i didn't take very long looking around but he said we could come back possibly during the week and take our time and maybe even let me get some more supplies. *squee* :)

on the way back to the train we walked through a street market. james had wanted to get me a hat (the leather coat i wear - which used to be his- has no hood) so we looked around. we found this one- it's like this really deep purple floppy sort of thing. all fur on one side and faux suede on the other. very warm and very soft. i liked it so he got it for me. :) we were going to get  a scarf too but i was just happy with my new hat :) i wore it all day after that.

well it's 0800 so i'm going to see if james wants me to get him something for breakfast before we head out.

more soon.
xo xo
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Thursday, October 26th, 2006

Subject:*sit on it and rotate, bin laden*
Time:10:40 pm.
Mood: chipper.
i found this while looking for inspiration for my next painting (which i did find...) and i died laughing.

i really want to print this out and paste up on our front door. :)



all my love.
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Wednesday, October 25th, 2006

Time:9:57 pm.

01] Is there someone who you like at the moment?
well, i love my james... does that count?

O2] Have you ever given or been given roses?
oh i do like being given roses. :)

O3] What is your all-time favorite romance movie?
hmm..... dunno.

O5] Do you believe everyone has a soulmate?
everyone was made for someone.

O6] Do you think that you should be friends first?
it helps.

O7] Have you ever had your heart broken?
yeah. but i've gotten over his sorry arse.

O8] What do you think about long-distance relationship?
difficult. not impossible. just difficult.

1O] Would you rather date someone 5-6 years older or 5-6 years younger??
who said anything about 5-6 years older????? ;)

11] Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
once. but i got over that bug pretty quick.

12] Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always a cheater?
no. it takes a lot to change but it can be done if the person really wants it.

13] How many kids do you want to have?
well, we have one on the  way so after that, who knows!

15] What is/are your favorite color(s)?
blue and purple

17] Have you ever broken someones heart?
hm... don't think so...

18] Imagine you're 79 & your spouse just died, would you re-marry?

19] At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?
does boys having coodies count as noticing?

2O] What song do you want to hear at your wedding?
there's a song by john denver i'm in love with called "for you" or the song by newsong called "when God made you"

21] Does somebody like you?
yep. despite how unlikeable i truely am :)

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Subject:while cookies bake...
Time:9:46 pm.
Mood: cookies a-bakin'.

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
hmm... standing in the kitchen playing murder on a pair of cornish game hens and calling it dinner. :)

2. Who was the last person you kissed?
my james

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
yes. i strongly advise against it, however.

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
the underside of the comforter is bright pink.

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
don't remember. nor do i care to, thanks.

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
my new house socks.

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
you care why?

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
um... *counts*... dunno

11. What are you wearing right now?
um.. my blood donor t-shirt, my blue hoody, jeans and house socks

12. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
take it to the car wash

13. Last food that you ate?
cornish game hen. (that i made!!)

14. Where were you last week at this time?
um...probably here at home.. but where ever i was, i was definitely with my james. :)

15. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
this is pertinant to your daily survival.. how?

16. When is the last time you ran?

17. What's the last sporting event you watched?
baseball, i daresay.

18. What is your favorite animal?

19. Your dream vacation?
vermont i suppose... although those days are long gone.

20. Last person's house you were in?

21. Worst injury you've ever had?
try 3 stitches in the nose from a birdfeeder.

23. Do you miss anyone right now?
it's complicated

24. Last play you saw?
heaven only knows.

25. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
i don't think i have one

26. What are your plans for tonight?
finishing up baking cookies, stuffing them into our faces with a couple glasses of milk and crashing into bed.

27. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
emmie or steph.

28. Next trip you are going to take?

29. Ever go to camp?
been there did that got the t-shirt. :)

30. Were you an honor roll student in school?
excuse me while i die laughing.

31. What do you want to know about the future?
will i ever get over this morning sickness?

32. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?

33. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
i've seen more doctors in the last 15 weeks than i have since i was a patient at freakin' sloan & kettering!

34. Where is your best friend?

35. Who is your best friend(s)?
they know.

36. Do you have a tan?

37. What are you listening to right now?
war of the worlds on tv

38. Do you collect anything?

39. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
hm... probably pretty much any female that lives in our building.

40. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
it's been a very long while.. over a year.

41. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
yeah but it makes you burp more.

42. What does your last text message say?
i don't have text messaging.

43. Do you like hot sauce?

44. Last time you took a shower?
this morning

45. Do you need to do laundry?

47. Are you someone's best friend?

48. Are you rich?
we're happy and that's what matters.

49. What were you doing at 12AM last night?
snoring my little brains out.

50. Who was the last person to call you?
.... dunno.

Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Subject:what a day we had. :)
Time:9:07 pm.
Mood: yummy in my tummy. :).
so things are moving ever forward on our battle against the apartment. :) (this is a good thing as it has to be finished come april..... *cringe*...)

got up nice and early today. first we hit the gym and then we had lunch. after that we toddled out to costco and got a whole bunch of things. namely food and that which is good. but i also was able to get a mini food processor which i will need when the baby comes. we also got calenders and such.

after that we went out to pick up james' dad and we took him over to staples because he found a garbage bin he wanted and couldn't really carry it all the way back to his apartment so we drove him over there. while we were there i found the perfect bin for under the kitchen sink so his dad picked that up for me.  i love family. 

james and i headed out to shop n stop for groceries. yes, we did get some foodage-type things at costco,  but that was bulk sort of stuff that would last us a while like a big box of frosted flakes and so forth. at stop n shop we had to get regular cooking groceries for the week. that's always a trip, the two of us shopping. :)

tonight i tried my hand at deep fried giant onion rings but that turned into a disaster that filled the entire apartment (and quite likely the entire hallway...) with smoke.... yeah, james may like his beloved onion rings but if he wants them again, he will be making them himself. :)  two turned out alright but the rest, the batter floated off and that outright pissed me off. plus we had the entire apartment fanning. windows were open and so was the door to the terrace! it was bad.

i also made cornish game hens tonight. james loved them. :) i must say (if i do say so myself) they were pretty damn good. :) hugely filling, but pretty good. i got utterly fed up with the onion rings so i didn't have time to make the veggie i had wanted so in the last 2 minutes while the hens were cooling, i threw together a fresh salad.

i hate last minute prepping like that but those game hens were totally worth it. :)

and my feet are way complaining tonight... after all that walking around between places and standing in the kitchen for about 2 hours... yeah. it's ok though. it was much worth it.

but this is it for now. i have cookies in the oven that need attention. (no, don't be impressed- they're just the pillsbury pull-apart-and-bake type.)

hasta la pasta, ya'll!

xo xo
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Friday, October 20th, 2006

Time:8:13 pm.
Mood: thirsty.
had a good day today...
went out for dinner and a movie with james and his dad. i always have a great time when we go out with anyone in his family. :) we went to charlie brown's after seeing flags of our fathers (awesome movie!!) and i sat between james and his dad and i said  "oh look! i get to sit next to the two best men in my life!"

gotta love it.
boyfriends rock.
and so do grandpas! :)

more soon
xo xo
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Subject:HOLY CRAP did she just say WHAT!?
Time:1:21 am.
Mood: very content indeed..
life is crazy here in the big city. seriously crazy.

dart season has been finished for a couple weeks (we got bounced out of the playoffs the second week which was horribly depressing) but the new season starts the first week of november. prayerfully we'll have a full team. *crosses fingers*
i may even get put on the roster which would be spiffy. not that i'm any good just yet or anything... but we'll see.

been trying to cook more at home. james really likes macs and cheese so i'm in the  gold with that. :) gotta love those fool-prrof instant boxes!! *grins* i've also now tried my hand at some of the old recipes i laid out when i was still working with the guys but i totally bombed out on some steaks. way too dry. oh well. tomorrow's shopping day so i can always try again.

big news:
we are going to be a family!! yep. baby (yes i did just say baby) arrives sometime bettwen march and april. (these doctors may  be big city doctors and supposedly are the best at what they do but they can't get a freaking due date if it meant their life) but the most accurate we have for the moment is early april. spring baby. :) that'll be nice. i get to waddle my fat arse through winter. ah the joy. i already look like i'm bluging in the front.... *sigh* james' favorite nickname for me? "shammy" (shamu) which is in pure loving jest, of course because he also always calls me beautiful princess right after teasing me about my ass getting fatter. :) so i've gone from "beautiful princess" to "my shammy" in a matter of weeks. :) it's all good. i know he does it in love so i love it.

in actuality though, james has been incredibly supportive of me since we found out i was pregnant. he's seen me off to every doctor's appointment and everything. gotta love the man. hand it to him- he's incredibly devoted. and he's put up with me puking at all hours of the day and night. :)

in other news, things are moving along. i'm back into counseling and group for various reasons and that seems to be going well. the girls in group are really cool and it's a nice small group so i'm happy there.

gradually trying to pull the apartment together. we've got big plans and things are eventually going to come together. trick is-- we have 6 months. 

oh well.

that's more or less it... keep us in your prayers. me so that i can be a better mate to james and treat him the way he's so faithfully treated me these last 6 months and for james also to have the patience with me as i try to learn both from my past and from the mistakes i've made with him and i try to grow into a better person for both him and our baby.

all my love. more updates soon, i promise.
xo xo
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Monday, July 31st, 2006

Subject:finally an update
Time:6:26 pm.
Mood: hot.

again, it's been forever and a day since any updates, for which i apologize to those of you who i know don't read my journal anyway. so, i wasn't missed. it's all good.

on july 18th, james and i went to see the new york philharmonic play over in vancordtland park. it was super spiffy. :) after the performance, there were nice fireworks. we sat with one of the guys that james used to be in a band with and his family. that was really nice.

last week we went to manhattan and visited the empire state building. we did both observation decks which was spiffy. when i get my camera set up with the cord and everything i'll upload pics and post some for ya'll. as we walked, we also saw ground zero.  it looks like they are really trying to get some serious progress in before cold sets in.

i got my nails done again.... so spoiled.

today james took me and let me get a pedicure. (did i say spoiled??) and then we hit the gym and i did laps and lounged about in the whirlpool for a while while james did his workout. then we met up with james' parents and we had lunch and went to see 'my super ex-girlfriend' (very cute)

friday was james' dad's birthday so on saturday we took them out for dinner and a movie. that was fun. and last night we went upstairs to james' brother and sister-in-law's for dinner and a movie. that was a great time too.

more soon.
xo xo

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Thursday, July 13th, 2006

Time:4:01 pm.
Your Lucky Underwear is Purple
Dreamy and idealistic, you envision great things for your life. Your lucky purple underwear can make those dreams come true! You're a busy little butterfly. You have the most projects, interests, and friends of anyone you know. You also have a flair for the dramatic. Sometimes too much drama comes in to your life and brings things to a stop. If you want to focus more, and flutter less, put on your purple underpants. They'll help you get the important things done.
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Time:3:33 pm.
Mood: blank.
i know it's been a while since i updated but it's not like anybody reads this thing anymore anyway so i don't suppose it really matters much.

things have been good here- busy but good.
we lost our dart game the other night by 2 points (GRR) but we're still hoping to make it up and win the division. that'd be spiffy.

went out with james' parents yesterday. we saw the pirates of the carribean and then we went to a chinese buffet for dinner.  after that, we took a nice little drive (with me driving) before heading home.

james and i went to the gym this morning. it was a really good work-out and i felt really good after but it would've been even better if there'd been a life guard on duty for me to do some laps. *grr* oh well. but we did get a membership for me so that's a plus. now i'll be fit as a fiddle in no time. :)

more soon.
xo xo
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Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

Subject:Happy Fourth, Everybody!!!
Time:1:43 am.
Mood: content.
so happy fourth to everyone. :)

went up to see the parents today. we had a nice enough time. got the lecture about birth control and ruining my life yet again. went through some of my clothes that were still at the house and some other stuff. brought a lot of things back too.

james and i watched fireworks from the balcony. that was really cool cuz you could see all the way across the burough and into NJ. :) very cool.

this is it for now. gonna go rustle my honey from off the couch where he now sleeps and try to wander him into bed.

more soon
xo xo
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